


Apologetically here

by HogwartsToAlexandria



Series: Marie's BBB Fills 2019 [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Aftermath, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Apologies, Avengers Compound, Bucky Barnes Bingo 2019, Depression, Forgiveness, M/M, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-04-21
Packaged: 2020-01-23 10:39:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18548110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HogwartsToAlexandria/pseuds/HogwartsToAlexandria
Summary: “You have to stop doing that,”Steve says that over and over but Bucky doesn’t understand, doesn’t hear, couldn’t comply even if he wanted to.“You have to,”Bucky Barnes Bingo 2019 Fill, B1: "Apology"





	Apologetically here

**Author's Note:**

> Third fill for the bingo! Hope you'll like it!
> 
> Thanks to my amazing friend SerenaLunera for the greatest cheerleading and awesome beta work she does <3

_ “You have to stop doing that,”  _

Steve says that over and over but Bucky doesn’t understand, doesn’t hear, couldn’t comply even if he wanted to.

_ “You have to,”  _

He can’t, he doesn’t know how, he doesn’t know that he can, he can’t, no matter how much Steve repeats it, no matter the look in Steve's eyes as he says it.

Bucky navigates the compound like a lost soul, he walks the hallways silent as a ghost, sits in dark corners not to hide from the others but so he won't bother them, won't remind them he's here, especially Tony, he can't.

He passes the sparring gyms, the conference rooms, the sitting areas, all without a word uttered, head not bowed but squared in a tight lock of his jaw and neck. He's not being defensive, far from it - he's doing everything that he can, being hyper aware of everyone else's presence and position in any given room so he won't disturb them. It's second nature to him anyway, it's been drilled into his brains and limbs for what seems like forever, might as well serve him for something useful and good this time. Steve doesn't think it's good.

Steve, this permanent reminder that HYDRA wasn't forever, that Bucky had a life before the Winter Soldier existed, that he  _ was _ Bucky before they ever made him into the assassin. It painfully punches him to the gut and heart every time he looks at him now but it's a good hurt, an ache he welcomes for how grounding it is, how necessary it is.

Steve's eyes are the most expressive Bucky's ever seen, even Tony's don't come close but maybe that's because he doesn't know him as well as he does Steve. Steve's eyes which he's hung onto for so long, last line leading back to his mind, through torture and constant self-doubt, his friend's eyes, the only thing that sits unchanged between them after all these years. Sure, they're lined with deeper creases than they ever knew before the war but it's still the same light, still the same look he gave him back in Brooklyn. 

_ "You have to stop doing that," _ he says, at all times and no matter where they are, who they are with. Heads turn towards them, looks jumping between the two of them in silent questions or maybe in support, Bucky doesn't know, he doesn't know the others. 

It's hard even to grasp the meaning of Steve's words, it's harder even to see what he wants, what he really intends to achieve with those six simple words, what he longs for - for Bucky to find his footing again and eventually, find his place in this strange environment that is Steve's family of superheroes, that could be his too, Steve's eyes tell him.

_ "You gotta stop apologizing, Buck," _ it took months before Bucky could simply hear the words for what they are, not a demand but a plea. It took months for Bucky to see himself and his surroundings through Steve's eyes even as he battled with the remnant of the Winter Soldier's way of looking at things.

Even with how careful and rare Bucky had tried to make his moving around the compound, he would eventually bump into someone with how carefree everyone else seemed to move around here, everyone but Natasha Romanov. He'd apologize softly, scared, always. He would eventually cross paths with someone in the hallways and instantly, his cheeks flamed up, he took up too much space, his shoulders did, he was blocking the passage and he couldn't help flinching when he stepped to the side and the other person went on with their business without noticing Bucky's inner struggle. He'd apologize, eyes cast downward and not expecting an answer. He'd eventually enter a room where Tony already was, the man just looking up, or standing up to what -  _ greet him? don't be ridiculous _ \- was enough to send him back to where he'd been before, fleeing. He'd apologize brokenly and turn back around. No matter how loud and impossible to navigate the other rooms were for him, he couldn't.

_ "You have to,"  _ Steve's voice sounded broken too when he said it again and again and Bucky couldn't help feeling guilty, helpless too, that wasn't what he was trying to do.

The first time Bucky felt guilty enough to really meet Steve's gaze as he asked him once more was Bucky's epiphany, a soft, timid revelation that maybe he was missing something.

The first time Tony managed to brush his hand to Bucky's arm before he could leave the room not running but almost was the second step towards Bucky's undoing of what he thought true. Tony's eyes really were expressive if you took the time to look into them as he opened himself to your scrutiny. Bucky tried, he still apologized but Tony shushed him,  _ "It wasn't you."  _

Bucky comes back to the bedroom he's been graciously given upon arrival and sits on his bed. Cries, for the first time in as long as he can remember. It's not immediate and there's not much he can do to control it when the apologies still burst out of him at the most minor offense but Steve's eyes on him and the circle of what could be his family are warm around his heart as he tries to pick up its pieces. For Steve, so he'll keep on smiling with his whole body like only he can, sunny Steve.

_ "You got this, I'm here," _ and he always was, Bucky thinks as he sits on the front steps of the compound in the morning, Steve was always there, even when he wasn't, his only tie to reality at times, his constant reminder of just how much love there is in this world and just how much of it is meant to be his. 

He looks up from the grass to Steve's face as the man stands next to him. The defined lines of his face - Captain America - the soft expanse of his lips - Steve.

He'll be okay, he's got this.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I love knowing how you guys feel about this so, what did you think?  
> More soon.
> 
> Also find me on [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/hogwartstoalexandria)


End file.
